yamanai ame da neeee

don't want a future. all angst. don't need to read if you're not patient. haha.
Thursday, March 13, 2008

can i just stay a normal, jc, sec school student forever.
it's like, my life is rushing up to meet me and i'm that thin coconut tree stuck in a flash flood.
ok i never thought i'd be describe as thin but ah well.
i'm very thin when it comes to things like decisions.
OK point is, i don't want to move on MOVE ON WOMAN MOVE ON.
nooooooooooooo i don't want to move on.

its like, i tried so hard to stay in contact with all my friends..........
i try so hard to make sure i'm in contact with my sec school friends...........
and now, we're all gonna be going further from each other.
AGAIN. distance is such a horrible thing. HORRIBLE.

uni applications. i talk to everyone and ask them for opinion.
my mum's forcing me to talk to every-one-individual cousin i have and i obligate.
(woe to me if they ever read this.)
but. i honestly don't think what they say will affect me at all,
i mean they are all on very different tracks and every other arts major will sound strange to them... and then tell me, what is the point?? it only makes me feel worse.
WORSEEE DOESN'T SHE UNDERSTAND. no obviously not.
but i'm such a conflicted person. i will also feel horrible if no one shows any concern regarding my decision. omg i'm such a bad person who wants every good thing in life.
i should go shave my head and become a monk.
空既是空。ok whatever.. i'm feeling highly irritated now so don't come and irritate me.

i must be having post results depression.
been sleeping at 5 everyday. and the best thing is that, i still wake up very early without alarm clock. i don't sleep late into the noon. AIYOHHHH i cannot be like this. but no matter how i exercise its no use. anw, there are many things running abt in my mind now.
i'm also simultanoeusly high abt kame and his sexy voice in seishun amigo. (haha)
and then i'm also pissed off because, i know i'm just drifting and drifting apart from some people.
this sucks. sucks sucks sucky shit.
im socially dysfunctional when it comes to friendship i think.
aahah no matter how i try i dont think people think i'm trying.
they don't think i'm trying, so they don't try also. so both don't try. so nothing happen loh.
like that. very simple one. simple to say and simple to do also.

i need someone who will stop faulting me for my shortcomings.
but i know. that before i find someone like that, i must stop faulting others for theirs.
see i told you i want everything good. haha.
i know most people want everything good, but im just not good at pretending that i dont.
you know? i'm just like that. ahh often i've been told i'm too frank for my own good and i think, whats wrong with being frank? now i know. i know now because all successful people are people who lead you to think what they want you to think. and when i say success i mean it also in friendship kinship and any kinds of ship.
not all kinds of honesty is good in a relationship.

omg i'm being frank again. haha.. i mean, no one admits to being a hypocrite.
but i guess we all are, one way or another.
and maybe hypocrite is not even the right word.. more like, we protect our real selves from this dirty, disgusting, maddening, polluted and sycophantic world by wrapping it deep into our own consiousness. its not hypocrisy i guess. its just, self defence.
haha when you kill someone for self defence you don't go to prison right?
so its not illegal? (do you go to prison?? ok i dont know)

IM SO EDGY. and i'm so disgusted with myself....
spending time alone is good. so i don't piss anyone off.

12:49 AM